I’m going to keep going…

She dance naked in her crocodile shoes 
She only mix within the circle she choose 
She make a living outta singing my blues 
Katie Q
…… I hadn’t started with a song in while
Before I get to all the ED crap, because really – what it is is crap, I found these pictures…

When I was a younger, I wanted to be those girls. I remember looking at that fashion and falling in love with it, and I have to admit, I’m still in love with it. I saw it and my eyes glazed over, it was like listening to a song you loved when you were younger or watching a TV show that you used to always watch…
I am always up to no good 😉
I always rooted for the bad guys, they had all the fun, who want’s to be good all the time anyway?
I’m always getting detentions… not that I ever go 🙂
I’m sure my school email inbox is filled with ‘you have detention, you missed detention…’
If anybody ever has a detention and they ask around if anybody else has one, it’s always ‘No, but Katie does’ hahah
Shameful…

I love this clock….

WELL, while I was doing this in the pool, while eating my snack, I made a new friend…
Meet Monsieur Peppae.
He was a Green Dragonfly that was playing around in my pool – and that was the only good shot I could get of him! He wouldn’t stand still, let alone smile!
I decided his name is Monsieur Fredric Peppae!
>~<
ED wise? Well I’m living off Ensures and glasses of juice to make most of my calories, I can say my breakfasts are shamefully made of supplements.
I’ve been feeling very sad, and body image has been terrible. I guess, and my parents already know this so they won’t get any shock from this, I’m struggling a lot.
I am still eating and it’s not about thinking I looked better when I was sick, but it’s more feeling down, like I have no direction or point and that Anorexia was my point in life (when it wasn’t at ALL) and then I feel down because I’m failing everybody.
And I think a lot of it is frustration, because I’m still in an underweight BMI zone and I feel like I’ve gained so much weight, why am I still having to gain more? And I know it’s because I’m still underweight, and I bruise easily – it’s not even funny. I’m always discovering bruises, it’s ridiculous, I look like I’ve been in fights. And my hands! I have old lady hands. The veins are huge!!!
I’ve had a lot of side effects thanks to Anorexia, but I was hoping with this, they’d start to go away.
Pleh pleh!
I’m just going to keep pushing, pushing, pushing ED out of my life.
I was wondering, 
do you girls have more weird/scary dreams when you’re struggling? but like, about weight and ED stuff?
——————–
I love you ALL
xxxxxxxxxxxx
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20 Comments

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20 responses to “I’m going to keep going…

  1. Maya

    i love watching an old tv show or movie that i used to watch when younger, and Monsieur Peppae hahah omg ur too cute!its ok lovie, dont feel bad that ur struggling atm, u will get through this! and ur body obvi is not well yet, so much damage 😦 at such a young age, but you will get healthy and happy and no more ensures one day soon! ur a star my love and u can do anything! YES PUSH ED OUT!!! 😛 poor bruises ohmannnn i too bruise easily this summer my legs, looked so ugly like soeone ran over me with a truck :/ love u!xomayap.s weird dreams while struggling yessss scary ones: one where i was in IP and u had to get weighted naked in front of all the other girls on a huge scale with a huge number showing! ouch!! yikessssss nightmare 😮 lol.

  2. nourishing mornings

    Katie :)first of all, love all the photos and Monsieur Peppae, bahaha okay you are officially the most hillarious/cute girl ever, your comment on my post made my day,seriously ;)!! love you to bits.i am so sorry you are struggling with body image and feeling low 😦 so am i…it sucks, but we must push away ED and as you said our eds can be stuck in the cupboard all shushed up together ;P they deserve misery!! we deserve the best, and we must keep going and going and going until we are free 🙂 and i have so much faith you can do this!! and then come to NY!! ;Dhmm weird dreams idk, i'll think about it, i know there are prob loads haha just drew a blank at the moment ha, but i'll fb message you any super funny ones, but bahaha your dream with the food fight 😉 you told me bout o.m.g hehe, that was the funniest evER! 😉 ha…our little secret. xxEliza

  3. Eleanor

    Finding what you love, and enjoying yourself, is so important in recovering, Katie.If ever you feel down, go and grab your iPod and listen to the music that makes you feel alive, go and read that book or watch that movie… Do something for YOU, because YOU want to. Don't be ashamed of the supplements, sweetie. They're a pain in the ass, certainly (breakfast, morning tea, afternoon tea, supper? Yeah, I know exactly where you're coming from) but they're helping you. Body image issues will always be present.. They're almost impossible to avoid – even healthy, non-anorexic people have bad days! – but you can divert your energy, thoughts and emotions to something more important, something that isn't going to make you sad and ashamed of your body.You are a beautiful girl, Katie, with a beautiful heart, soul and spirit. I believe in you, I believe you're capable of overcoming and getting out of this wall ED has put up in front of you. On the other sideo f that wall is LIFE. HAPPINESS. LOVE.You want that, I know you do and you know you do. You deserve it, sweetie. Keep your head high – I believe in you!All my love, always,Eleanor. xo

  4. Jessica

    Supplements can be so helpful sometimes but you need to remember to eat "real food" as well otherwise ed can grasp onto it and make you scared again, it seems like i don't have something for a couple of days and then i am scared again ed has a way of making you forget that things are "safe" pretty fast.I felt the same way my dear when i was at a BMI of 17.l5 i thought i could just stop i had spent so long gaining weight already that i just did not want to do it anymore but at a low weight like your you still do have all the complications that being underweight has, i promise you, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, and the more health you gain the more life experience and beauty you gain as well."So start tryingto perceive the viewbetter than everand it might come true."You are a superstar, i love you

  5. Becca

    First of all Katie, I am so incredibly proud of you for still meeting your cals even though you are struggling. I've always found ensures to be even harder for me so i'm so proud of you for being able to do that!Everyone has ups and downs–don't feel bad! You are such a beautiful person and you deserve the world. Keep fighting!Hm. Weird dreams–I had lots inpatient about just gaining loads of weight but recently, I've had a lot almost wishing I was sick again (like super sick) so I could go back to treatment and have that support system around me. so screwd up i know! not sure why i'm dreaming about that but yeah.LOVE YOU! ❤

  6. nutsandpaintedsmiles

    That clock! I think I should get one…I'm almost always late ;b And detention? tsk, who'd have thought? (Love you anyway, you sweetie! Good girls are dead boring!)Monsieur Peppae? Tell that lil dragonfly I'm jealous of his name, LOL!Katie, don't give up just yet. It sounds like you're having a rough time, but we're here for you. Don't let Ed and his nasty thoughts get you down–you're an inspiration, sweetheart! Having creepy weird dreams about food and weight. Ugh. I used to have them all the time…though now it's gradually getting replaced by more random dreams (like cars falling on me?!) I wish I could give you one big hug to chase those buggered dreams away for you…Take care! xoxo

  7. Emily

    Keep fighting, babe. ED was your purpose in life before, but now you've got so much you can do…the world is your stage! I know you'll get over this slump. It's just another part of recovery, I'm sure.And I do have scary dreams about weight and food. Sometimes I toss and turn, trying to fall asleep. It takes over all my thoughts.xoxo

  8. ktbwood

    aww girl this made my heart swell because i know how beautiful you are on the inside and outside and a girl like you should never feel that way-but i do know what that feeling is like. i want you to know how incredibly special you are and there is something about you that makes you UNIQUE that nobody else has..dont give up girl.. YOU are tiny and need to keep gaining to live your happy life!! praying for you love!

  9. Tatianna

    I so sorry to hear that these negative thoughts are in your head :/ I am so very proud to hear that you are not letting them get in the way of your weight restoration. You are well on your way to health, and I am sure the icky ED symptoms will fade a little more with each step you make!As for the dreams, I often have dreams about me eating massive amounts of 'bad foods' and then I wake up all panicked that it actually happened. Scares the heck outta me!Stay strong beautiful!xo Tat

  10. determinedtoshine

    Katie! My darling girl, I just want to give you a great big hug.I'm so proud of you for keeping your cals up through the ensures when you're not feeling up to eating "proper" food. I know how easy it is to just let your intake slip when you're feeling down, but you are doing great. Dont be ashamed of struggling – its all just part of recovery. Ups and downs. But you WILL get through this because you're so strong!Keep trucking onwards lovie. Anorexia doesnt deserve a place in your life any more. You are too fabulous.MUCH LOVEXO Hannah ❤

  11. Giovanna ♥

    Dearest Katie,I admire your courage even in difficult times. I can feel that you're a beautiful girl inside and out, I told you that before, besides you're such a talented girl, very creative! I think you should look for things that inspire you to create things. When I have difficult times, or I'm sad especially when I miss my family, my entire family lives in another country, there are certain things that brighten up my day such as writing, painting or drawing, I also love to make collages from different magazines and photos, I love creating books out of different materials. I also enjoy walking around the streets or the park and feel the wind on my face, I think that's the best feeling, it makes me feel free..I also love french macaroons so much! so I eat one or two sometimes, I just love them! I mean I'm sure there are things that make you happy as well, you just have to look for them everytime you feel down. Think that everything is going to be okay, that there are people who love you and that you're very important for them :)By the way, thank you so so much for the sweet comment on my blog, your words always touch my heart…see? You're amazing, even though you're having a difficult time, you're still spreading love and making someone else happy :)Lots of love for you Katie, and don't give up sweetie, you're much stronger than the ED.xoxoGiovanna❉ ✿ ✿ ❉ http://www.bohomarket.blogspot.com

  12. C'est la vie

    I always root for the bad guys too ;)I think in general, thinking about weight too much and not wanting to gain anymore because you've gained 'too much', is still anorexia talking. This always happens to me. I get too thin and I notice and it almost is like I now have 'permission' to eat. But as soon as I gain a tiny amount of weight, I feel like i have to lose it again because it doesn't feel right. A person without anorexia wouldn't care if they gained one kilo.Anyway, I've probably confused you but it's early in the morning! ..should probably leave my commenting until i wake up :Pxox

  13. Devan Geselle

    pplease keep your head up love. you deserve health. happiness. love. nourishment <3you deserve to smile, and to wear the fashion that you strive for.you need that smile to show off your inner beauty ❤ because you have so much of it!

  14. spidersfrommars

    Oh Katie, Katie. This post was both adorable and touching.I am sorry you are struggling, my love. Bruising easily is a bit embarrassing isnt it?I can relate to you very much on that one.Keep your head up and keep movie forward, gorgeous. I know you can do this and anytime you have a thought to regress, remember that you are still underweight, want to get healthy, and continue on with your life.Fashion is your passion, you can't wear it if you are in a hospital bed!Fight for what you love and want, Katie! You deserve nothing but happiness and smiles.You are a beautiful girl with so much to give to the world… you are so funny, smart and cute ;)I love you,<3Karina

  15. Devan Geselle

    Thank You for your sweet comment on my blog, Dear Katie <3love you

  16. izzyy

    Aw hun, I'm so sorry youre having a tough time. *Hugggsss* I SOO know what that bruising and those thoughts do to you. You just gotta hand in there and it'll get easier. It WILL!Oh man, I want that clock. Story of my LIFEE haha.Take care babesizzyyxoxoxoxxxxo

  17. Carly in Wonderland

    Hey girl! Came across your blog. I am sorry to hear you are struggling 😦 But your motivation is amazing, I really admire that. I've had ed recovery dreams! where I am in treatment all over again… but not really about weight and stuff. But I am sure that is common, I mean we get so obsessive, you know? Keep pushing! You've got this girl

  18. Jessica

    I am going to miss you heaps my dear, just posting to remind you that you are worth it all, you are worth happiness, life, peace and love (self love as well)I love you

  19. From Here to There. In Purple.

    Your comments are greatly appreciated, my dear– You really don't know how much I value your insight and genuineness. Remember that when you have negative body image thoughts, there's some underlying issue going on. Explore it. Don't fight it/try to hide it. You can do this, you can conquer your ED and move on with your life– you're so young, so beautiful and so smart.And you're a rock star :)love you, darlingbec xo

  20. That clock is positively adorable!

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